Billy was a kid with unbelievable id
Had three social diseases and he kept them all hid
His dad said, "Billy, I do believe you're an All American Boy"
Billy dug a good gross-out, always got the most out of freakin' his folks out,
      he calmly let the truth out
His father fainted dead away and his mother was destroyed
He had hemorrhoids, he had hemorrhoids
You know the end is near when decent folks have to fear hemorrhoids

Charlie was an astronaut, worked til he was overwrought
Finally got caught by the military juggernaught
Made him nervous so he quit the service but not soon enough
Charlie got an itch, it was a bitch, he couldn't scratch it
So he gave a little twitch and he cut it with a hatchet
And he let out all of his air and he's still out there somewhere
In the asteroids, he got hemorrhoids
If you ever sat on one you know it ain't no fun to get hemorrhoids

Ellen was a nurse suffering from a family curse
Every remedy she tried only seemed to make it worse
It got so outrageous and highly contagious she was horrified
But Ellen didn't tell 'em till it reached her cerebellum
They discovered her perjury and recommended surgery
And then with thanks she walked into the ranks of the unemployed
She had hemorrhoids, she had hemorrhoids
Oooh the pain of it all, the shame of it all - hemorrhoids!